So - the 10 lowest-rated (selected) novels on my GoodReads shelf:
(How the selection was made? I didn't take on the books with less than 100 reviews, nor the books I can't remember at all.)
After Alice by Gregory Maguire, 2.79
A story about a girl who follows Alice to Wonderland and about Alice's sister, who apparently was a conceited, mean, badly behaving little monkey. Hated it.
"It's as if he writes a sentence, flips through his thesaurus, and then substitutes every word he can with something bigger and, in his humble opinion, better. He's trying to sound intelligent, but it comes across as pompous and boring."
The Phantom Of Manhattan by Frederick Forsyth, 2.98
The Phantom of the opera moves to New York and meets Christine again, and her child... he's a toymaker now. Not even Phantom of the Opera was good. This one just tries too much.
"With the high expectations the author demands from the book in mind, one marvels at how mediocre the story is, how ignorant, crude, and beyond salvation the characterization is; and how forced, clumsy, and tasteless the historical allusions are. It is my belief that just because a story is written doesn't mean it should ever be published, and this is a perfect example."
Tirant lo Blanc by Joanot Martorell 3.07
Come on, it was written 500 years ago! You can't review a book that old by modern standards!
"Even by "medieval novel read in translation" standards, Tirant Lo Blanc drags. Every decision is predicated by four or five chapters of not very interesting speeches, some of which I think the author would have blessed the invention of copy-paste for because it must have been at least as tedious to write them as to read them."
Nectar by Lily Prior 3.15
A story about an albino girl who smells aphrodisiac for as long as she's a virgin. Then she gets pregnant and repugnant and her daughter inherits the smell. Better than the following books. Well... maybe P.D.James is better, but... *sigh*
"What starts as an erotic fairy-tale filled with magical realism quickly turns into a self-absorbed tale about Ramona and…that's about it."
The Third Book of the Dun Cow: Peace at the Last by Walter Wangerin Jr. 3.23
How the animals walk to heaven and meet all their loved ones. Too little, too late, Walter. Burn in hell.
"This book seemed thrown together just to end the trilogy. The story line isn't compelling."
Death Comes to Pemberley by P.D. James 3.27
Nice try, but not about Elizabeth and Darcy.
"A hideous, plodding, ungraceful piece of mawkish fanfiction that succeeds neither as a mystery or as a pastiche of Austen's most beloved novel. Oy."
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Seth Grahame-Smith, 3.30
"Balls, hurr hurr hurr". *sigh* Take a classic and add zombies to it, and your own commentary trying to be funny. 3.30 is too much. The hype was too much. Yes, I read it because of the hype. I still regret it.
"I recommend the movie, because it is hilarious, but this book has no purpose other than to add slightly gross comments to an otherwise wonderful classic story."
Vampyre by John William Polidori, 3.31
This is a short gothic story written at the same time as Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein. It's pretty clever and I like that the vampire in that story is evil and charming.
"Polidori was a physician who WANTED to be a writer, but clearly lacked the… everything. The Vampyre is so amateurishly bad, I really don't know if it's hilarious or sad."
The Discovery of Chocolate by James Runcie, 3.32
This is a story of a Spanish man who falls in love with a Native American woman, who gives her magical chocolate so that he lives for hundreds of years until he finds her again. Pretty stupid.
"It read like an 8th grade writing assignment. Waaaaay to coincidental and actually kind of lame."
The Mister by E.L.James, 3.32
*sigh* An Albanian brilliant savant woman who is amazing at everything she does except speaking English even though she was studying at University to become an English teacher, has an English grandmother who sends her children's books in English, and has been listening to English radio and watching English television her whole life, gets sex trafficked in England, finds a rich handsome man, gets married and lives happily ever after. The author makes a point about all the research she did, which makes me so confused because it doesn't show at all in the final product. She still gets everything wrong. Next time, Erika, just skip the research, it's obviously just a waste of time.
" I am sorry to inform that this I-am-just-a-poor-innocent-blushing-serving-doormat-who-is not-worthy-of-You-a-rich-whoring-fucked-up-British-Adonis doesn’t work for me anymore in any shape or form."
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