Well, I'm back now. For how long, I don't know. I wish it's for longer that this post.
I have had heartache. Yes, I, a middle-aged, married woman, got my heart broken because I was foolish enough to take attention for interest.
Yeah... one would think I'd know better than that.
I do hope I learned something, though. Because it has been a hard and heavy year.
And yesterday was the first day I looked at his picture without feeling the pain... the raw, acute, tearing pain...
Yesterday was the first day when I looked at his picture and thought "how could I ever think he was handsome?" I remember thinking already while I was deeply in love with him how weak his jaw is. At that point I just waved the thought away, after all, he's already over 50, people get sacking skin under their jaw and such, that mellows down the impression. It's just that. He probably had a nice, chiseled, manly jaw when he was 25. Or something.
He probably didn't. He was probably born with a weak chin.
No, it's not that weak... it's probably quite normal chin. I think my husband might have a weaker chin in reality, but I have never, ever looked at my husband and thought how weak the lines around his mouth and jaw look. It's probably just an impression... but one should listen to one's impressions.
I should have acknowledged the thought and known that this guy will betray me.
This guy will abandon me and leave me alone to deal with the whole issue.
This guy will just go and not look behind and live happily ever after his spineless life.
Which is exactly what he did.
Selfish, cowardly... weak.
And yesterday I saw the weakness of his mouth and chin and jawline clearly for what it is.
And I sat down and finished a job that has been waiting for me for a month or so. I wrote down all the things I'm good at and/or interested in, all the things I want to do, try or get better at, and I wrote those things on rainbow colored post-its, and stuck them on a piece of construction paper I have on my wall for that purpose. All my talents and gifts...
and the picture is amazing... The paper is covered with bright post-its, layer upon layer...
Yes, I may say so! :-D I AM!
Looking at that board makes me happy.
Not being obsessed and heartbroken by an idiot makes me happy.
The days are again filled with possibilities, options and chances, adventures, new things to discover, enterprises and excursions, things to learn, things to do... things to write.
And it makes me happy :-)